A Troper's Tales
by Sno Phoenix
Summary: When Tropes happen in ToS, this is the result. Each chapter is a different Trope. Presented by Sagenvee.
1. Shouting Match

"_**A Troper's Tales"**_

**Shouting Match**

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"Kratos, what are you doing?!" Lloyd shouted with a snarl at Kratos, who stood imperiously above them. Kratos remained silent and let his eyes drift elsewhere. "Answer me!" Lloyd insisted.

Kratos sighed and placed his hand on his forehead. "Very well." he said, unveiling his wings. "I am one of the Four Seraphim of Cruxis, sent to guide the Chosen on their journey to prevent them from straying." he said, ignoring the gasps and stares from the rest of the party. "Now, I suppose-" he stopped speaking when he heard someone walking up behind him.

"Kratos, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Yggdrasil asked as he stopped next to Kratos, a twisted smile on his face. "I thought you told me that you were going to expose something big. I hurried just to hear it."

Kratos twisted his face. "I don't understand what you are talking about Lord Yggdrasill," he said, folding his arms over his chest. "I thought you were coming down because you wanted to reveal that you're the big bad." Both angelic beings ignored the shocked gasps that came from the group below.

Yggdrasill's face scrunched up in fury at the same time as his mouth fell agape. "No fair, Kratos! I wanted to reveal that!" he cried. The not-so-benevolent dictator pointed to his outfit. "I even wore my best spandex outfit for the occasion!" Yggdrasill huffed and turned away, his mouth in the most grotesque grimace anyone in the group had ever seen before. That grimace was interrupted by a smirk that pulled Yggdrasill's lips. "Not my fault that you lied through your teeth with just about everything," he spat over his shoulder, "especially to a certain someone."

Kratos' eyes narrowed. "Yggdrasill, I wanted to expose that, thank you very much," he said. While Kratos was boiling inside, he was also awash with secret relief from not having a certain other secret exposed.

"Oh, so now it's back to Yggdrasill. You're going to betray me again?!" Yggdrasill pointed his finger accusingly at Kratos. "It's just like before! The cake is a lie!"

"You've been playing that game again, haven't you, Mithos?" asked Kratos. He folded his arms and gave Mithos the look he would give Lloyd when he had misbehaved fourteen years earlier. Mithos seemed to shrink into himself slightly before he straightened up with a gasped.

"You used my real name!" Mithos cried. "I wanted to reveal that too! You… you four thousand year old caveman!" Kratos clenched his fists as a low growl escaped past his lips. "See! Caveman!"

"What... is going on?" Sheena asked as she took a step backwards from the incredulous scene unfolding before her. Kratos and Mithos continued to yell with one of their fingers always pointing at the other.

"I don't think I want to know…" Raine said. With a bewildered sigh, she covered her eyes with her hand. "These two obviously have problems. Tell me again, Lloyd, why did you look up to Kratos?"

Lloyd weakly rubbed the back of his head. "Well… his swordsmanship… And he always made me happy… for some reason." He laughed weakly as Kratos and Yggdrasill continued to argue.

"Well at least I'm not some childish dictator prancing around in a skin tight leotard," Kratos shot back. "And I didn't spend four thousand years trying to revive my dead sister, old man."

Mithos paled. "Oh no, you didn't," he rasped. "Tell me you didn't just reveal the _entire_ plot behind this game AND call me an old man. You… you… You're the one who ran away with that filthy human and spawned _that_!" Mithos pointed at Lloyd. Lloyd's head swerved back and forth between the two angels.

"Mithos… don't say another word," Kratos growled.

"Why don't you tell him, caveman!" Mithos goaded. "Tell the village idiot why he's an orphan."

Lloyd snapped his head to first look at Mithos, and then at Kratos. He did this several times until his neck hurt to move. Kratos hadn't moved from his position but the color did slowly drain from his face. A vile and victorious grin plastered itself onto Mithos.

"Kratos," Lloyd said, his voice ragged and stuffed full of unintelligible emotion. "What's he talking about… who are you?!"

"It's nothing you need to worry about, Lloyd." Kratos said as he continued to growl. Yggdrasill simply smirked and stuck his tongue out.

"You were lying to us and even betrayed us! Why are you getting all chummy now?!" Lloyd shouted as he scaled the stairs two at a time. He stopped just behind the auburn haired angel. "I want to know now!"

"You heard the boy, Kratos, tell him!" Yggdrasill crowed. "Stop being such a caveman for once! Especially after what you did to his mother-" Yggdrasil stopped speaking and jumped back when Kratos took a swipe at him with his sword. Kratos snarled as he missed the fruity angel.

"I'm so betraying you for this," Kratos said with a huff and angrily sheathed his sword. So hard was the force of the sheathing that the scabbard and the belt dropped a couple inches. Kratos turned to the boy behind him and said, "I'm with you again, Lloyd."

"I knew it!" Yggdrasill shouted. "After you called me Yggdrasill without the lord bit, I knew you would!" Yggdrasill started to grit his teeth as a guttural sound wafted past his pearly whites. He tried to stare a hole into Lloyd, who was still in shock. He smirked as an idea popped into his head. Yes, revenge would be his! "Yes, shocking, isn't it, Lloyd? He totally did stuff to your mother-."

"Mithos!" Kratos shouted. He turned and found the flaming dictator cracking up with a hand over his mouth and the other wrapped round his midsection as he tried to hold in the mirth wracking his form. A metal scraping pulled Kratos back around to face Lloyd.

"Kratos! What did you do to my Mom?!" Lloyd asked as he finished unsheathing his swords. He pointed one at Kratos and the other was halfway across the floor with a demon fang ready to fire off. Kratos easily stepped to the side and watched as the Demon Fang passed by him.

"Isn't it obvious?!" Mithos barked. "You're his pawn!" Mithos pointed at Kratos and burst out laughing. He paused after a second and said, "Wait, wrong word. I mean spawn! You're his spawn!" Again, he wrapped his arms around his torso fell to the floor to roll around while he laughed.

"What…?" Lloyd asked. "I'm his spawn? What's that supposed to mean?" Lloyd arched his eyebrow and looked to Kratos. Kratos quickly pounced on Yggdrasill. With the fairy's neck in his hands, Kratos began to throttle him. However, he stopped when he realized that Yggdrasill did not need to breathe. "Kratos…" Lloyd said, "are you saying…? Tell me what he's talking about! Please!" Lloyd pleaded.

"F-Fine…" Kratos said. His arms fell slack and Yggdrasill fell to the floor where he picked up his mirthful exhibit once more. Kratos turned and walked up to Lloyd. He placed a heavy pair of hands onto the boy's shoulders and said, "Lloyd." Looking deeply into his eyes, Kratos said, "I am your father."

Lloyd's knees both shook as he slumped to the floor. His mouth gapped open and closed several time as his eyes grew wide with the effort to calculate what exactly he'd just been told. Kratos stooped down, afraid the boy's eyes would pop out of his skull.

Lloyd's swords fell to the ground with a loud clatter. His head was thrown to the sky as he threaded his fingers through his brown locks and pulled as hard as he could. "Nooooo!" he wailed. His voice echoed throughout the tower. So loud was the soul shattering peal of despair that Welgaia's radar registered it was an above ground earthquake, which did not make sense because Welgaia was a floating city. So the angels simply exploded in the sheer awe of the supposed earthquake.

And Kratos and Mithos fainted from the sheer pain of the shriek, blood oozing out of their ears.

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**Sagen: **This is a _partner project_ between V and me. We, as well as the other members of Sno Phoenix, do not own ToS or its characters, or the tropes we will be using throughout the fic. Review if you want – SP members can too, since you guys won't be seeing this until it's posted and is just between V and me. n.n

**V:** Review if you want. Won't hold it against if not. Hope you laughed.


	2. And Pop Goes the Comet!

**Disclaimer**: Sagenvee does not own Tales of Symphonia. We also do not own any clichés or Tropes that might have been used herein, though it was entirely on purpose.

**And Pop Goes the Comet!**

"Your power is strong. I am far beyond satisfied. Take these gifts as thanks. Farewell."

The Sword Dancer said as it vanished in front of the group. A single set of blades were planted into the ground, the point in the earth.

"We did it!" Lloyd shouted with huff, exhausted from their battle. "Geez, he was tough…" he said as he knelt onto the ground. He felt the green aura around him, healing his injuries. "Thanks Professor." he said as he went over to pick up the swords. "Sweet deal, these are mine!"

Raine rubbed the back of her head. "It was not me, Lloyd. It was Regal." she said, watching as everyone gave Regal strange looks.

"Regal, you can heal?" Lloyd asked, raising his eyebrow in curiosity. "When did this happen, just recently?"

Regal shook his head. "No, I've always known how to heal."

"If that's true, then why haven't you been healing up till now?" Lloyd threw his hands into the air before Regal had a chance to answer. "No, never mind, it doesn't matter. Anyway, let's all held back to my house. Dad said today is Rabbid Fangirl Stew Day."

Genis jumped up and down, his shirt flapping up and down with him and exposing his kiddy chest. Presea's cheeks turned bright red when she, being the only one, noticed that his chest wasn't so kiddy. In fact, it put Regal to shame. "Well, what are we waiting for?! Let's go!" Genis said as he ran for the forest exit. When he crossed the threshold, Genis suddenly gasped. "Hey!" he shouted and wiggled around in mid air. "I'm not going anywhere!" Genis looked down and noticed for the first time that not only was he floating, but his clothes were now composed of a huge black and blue robe over top his normal clothes. "Whoa… This would explain why."

"Whoa, what's up with twerp?" Zelos asked as he walked around Genis, studying him. He was so wrapped up in Genis' transformation that he failed to notice the changes happening to him. First it was the large set of armor that wrapped itself around his chest, arms, legs, torso, head, and feet. Not even the sudden addition of a huge katana at his side made him realize that he'd become a samurai.

"Hey, I'll teach you to call me a twerp!" Genis said as he reached for his Kendama. Instead of a toy, Genis pulled out a barbed-wire-chain-link whip with a playful ball on the end of it. Luckily, Zelos was just hit with the whip instead of the ball. "What! Where did my Kendama go?! Now I've actually got a deadly weapon!"

Zelos paled. "No kidding! Now put that away, the ball is so creepy and… playful!" Zelos took a step back as Colette ran up to them. The change happened to her too. Gone were her clothes, replaced by a skin tight outfit that covered her from just below her neck to the soles of her feet. Feet now covered in combat boots.

"Oh, you two look different!" she said, looking at her hands. "Oh wow! I look different too! Where did these new clothes come from? They're so tight against me but they move so freely. It's like I'm wearing a second skin."

"I don't know where they came from hunny, but they make you look H-O-T, ho-" Zelos stopped talking when Sheena used her mystic ninja powers to fly onto Zelos' head and stand on his face sideways. Zelos rolled his eyes to the right to see the ninja standing on his check, dressed in an even more form fitting dark purple outfit than Colette's white one, as if it were perfectly normal. The face mask and the huge katana attached to her back were new too. What was perfectly normal was the glare in her eyes as she knelt down and wordlessly started pummeling him in the face.

Colette ignored the pummeling that Zelos was receiving and tried to equip her chakrams. Instead, what appeared in her hand was a huge tube with a scope, a handle, a trigger, and an ejection port. In her other hand was another tube, this one shorter and larger around. The tail of a large three finned "arrow" of some kind stuck out the back.

"Oh wow, I wonder what this does," Colette said. She held the longer of the two tubes up and pointed it at the distant hills that marked the island of where the Katz Village was nestled. She looked through the scope and was amazed that she could see the Mayor Katz spinning round and round. In her glee, she forgot that she was squeezing on the trigger and the tube went off. Colette fell onto her back as the steaming hot round casing was ejected from the gun.

The projectile took mere seconds to reach its target. The Mayor of Katz village looked up only in time to see the huge flash of bright white light. After that, the giant mushroom cloud could be seen for miles around. The people in Palmacosta, attempting to rebuild after the monster tree destroyed what was left of their town, cried out in fear as the sky lit up and the mushroom cloud filled the horizon.

"Oh wow!" Colette shouted. She stood back up and jumped into the air. She attempted to extend her wings, but instead a pair of rockets extended from the shoulder packs on her back and lit up. She slowly lifted into the air under the power of rocketry. "Wow, this is all so fantastic. I never had a jet pack before. I wonder what this other tube does…"

Colette pointed the shorter tube off toward the horizon. She gasped when her vision was overlaid with a map of Sylvarant. She could see everywhere as clearly as if it were right in front of her. The last place she looked at before she squeezed the trigger was the ruins of Palmacosta. Fire exploded from the back end of the large "arrow" and propelled the "arrow" out of the tube. It flew off into the distance.

"Awesome!" Colette cried. She squeezed the trigger a couple more times, sending a couple more rockets off into the distance. "This is so cool! Lloyd you've got to see this!" Colette settled into a happy, repeated, firing stance as she sent rocket after rocket into the distance. Meanwhile, the already destroyed Palmacosta got a real run for its money.

Another gasp gained everyone's attention. Genis quickly floated over to the now winged Presea. The shocked expression on her face, eyes nearly bugged out of her face and lips quivering, stood in stark contrast to the huge fluttering wings holding her aloft. The girl didn't seem to know where to look so she ended up moving her head with staggered movements back and forth as she tried to take in her new situation.

"Presea!" Genis cried. "Are you okay? You have wings!"

"I… have wings…" Presea repeated. She looked over her shoulder and gasped again. "I have wings!"

"Her Exsphere must have evolved into a Cruxis Crystal," Raine said as she approached the group of radically enhanced group members. "But none of that explains what-GAH!" Raine stopped walking when she felt the sudden change happen to her. She looked down at herself and discovered tight black leather pants, a tight leather shirt under a thick leather jacket. Her arms were bare and a tattoo of a heart had appeared on her arm. Covering her hands were a new pair of black leather gloves. Small metal spikes adorned the seams of the leather jacket and the knuckles of her leather gloves. Leather kneepads, also with small metal spikes on them, snaked around her knees.

"What on earth," Raine cried as she tried to hide herself behind her arms. "What in the world is happening to all of us?!"

"I'm not sure," said Zelos, "but it's certainly not hurting any of us."

"Yeah," said Genis. "If fact, I feel more powerful, like I could take on Mithos all alone, beat him, resurrect him, and just do that all day long."

"I agree," Presea said. "These new wings make me much more agile than I was before. I feel… a strange power welling up from inside of me."

Sheena, who'd long ago left Zelos' face, poofed into existence standing upside down on a tree branch with the thickness of a pinky finger. Without weighing down the branch in any way, she pulled the face mask down to reveal her mouth. "I'm definitely more of a ninja than I've ever been. It's like I'm literally part of the shadows. A ninja could do anything when they're hiding in shadows."

"I got these awesome guns," Colette said, as she hovered lower on her rocket packs. "And these rockets keep me floating without draining any of my Mana, like my wings did."

"The only thing that seems to have changed for me," said Regal, "is my clothes. And my handcuffs are gone." Everyone turned to the imposing man and found him dressed in a Karate Gi. His hand cuffs were indeed missing as well. "I do feel a bit liberated, but I would prefer it if I could retrieve my cuffs. They meant a lot to me."

"All your enhancements are nothing." Lloyd stalked into the center of the group, eliciting gasps from everyone present. A roar of fire surrounded him entirely. His hair burned, his clothes burned, even his tongue burned. But the flames didn't hurt him in the least. The other difference from his previous get up was the fact that his ribbons were now twice as long and constantly blowing behind him in an invisible wind and his red clothes were now black. An even cockier than normal smile was planted onto his lips.

"Fascinating," Raine said. "Lloyd's become so powerful that he's on fire! He's literally on FIRE!"

"Wow Lloyd!" Colette cried as she flung herself at him. Her latex body suit turned red as she entered the flames and reflected their burning power away from her as she latched onto Lloyd. "This is so awesome! We're all so powerful now. It was a good thing we defeated that Elite from the Underworld!"

"It sure was," Lloyd said. "I'm powerful enough now to destroy all of Derris Kharlan! But… why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?"

"Hey!" Zelos said. "Where did Noishe get to?"

Suddenly, a loud growl shattered the sky and a beast charged at the group, stopping in front of them. It had black and red armor covering its torso, a black helm on it head and black paw and leg guards. Backswept blades protruded from its shoulders, meaning anything it leaned against was getting cut. It howled, it's eyes glowing red in the sunlight.

"Fascinating! It's Noishe!" Raine said. Noishe's head swiveled when she spoke. Raine almost leaped into the air when he charged straight for her. She held her hands out to hold the demonic hell hound away, but instead found chains thrust into her hands at the same time a seat lifted her off the ground. When she opened her eyes Raine found herself on the back of Noishe with his reigns in her hands. Noishe howled once more.

"Alright, Noishe!" Lloyd said with a smirk. "You definitely looked prepped for battle," he said and rubbed Noishe's back. When Zelos tried to reach for the Noishe, the armored hell hound snapped at the samurai's hand. "No, Noishe!" Lloyd said, smacking Noishe's back with his fist. "Wait until later to chase him."

"What are you all doing?" they heard a voice say. Turning to the sound of the voice they found Kratos staring at them. "What are you all looking at?" The moment Kratos' eyes settled on Lloyd, a smirk grew on his face. "Ah, I see you've reached that phase, good job Lloyd. You really are a chip off the block."

"What do you mean?" Regal said, feeling an unexplainable urge coming from his hands. Ignoring it, he turned back to Kratos. "Are you saying that you underwent what we are going through?"  
Kratos snorted. "Of course. I was on fire much like Lloyd. But that's ancient history. I'm way beyond that now." Kratos walked up to Lloyd. His arms were folded across his chest, making some kind of gesture that made random people around them to squeal. "Eating might be a problem. I'd tell you why, but that would be out of character for me."

Lloyd smirked. "Fine, but I'm totally going to kick your butt, just because I feel like it." Lloyd turned to Colette, who still fired missiles in random directions. Poor Luin never stood a chance. "Colette, lemme see those," he said, putting on his charm. He flicked his hair back with his hand. It was very appealing.

"But they're my babies!" Colette said. She pouted while at the same time firing another missile. "Well, alright, but if you hurt my babies, I'll hurt you, okay?" Colette smiled a genuine grin as she handed the launcher to Lloyd. It was as if she'd never threatened Lloyd at all.

"Thanks." Lloyd said as he took the weapon. He walked casually back to where he stood. "Let's see the master of the family at work, eh?" Lloyd quickly fired a missile at Kratos and tossed the launcher back to Colette. Then Lloyd charged toward Kratos and skid to a stop next to the mercenary, somehow managing to beat the missile. Both of them unsheathed their swords and cut through it with a super powered Cross Thrust. The missile split into four pieces as it hurtled past them and blew up behind their backs. "Heh, now that was fun."

Kratos laughed and placed his hand onto Lloyd's flaming head. "You're learning, boy. But you can't beat me." Kratos walked next to a tree and lightly rapt on it with the back of his hand. It fell. Hard. The wood, having seemed to turn to stone, created a hole in the ground that was too deep to see the bottom of.

"Hah, watch this." Lloyd said, glaring at another tree. It exploded in fear. Satisfied that he was just as awesome as his father, Lloyd smirked again and crossed his arms. "Now then, what were we doing?"

"We were going to snack on fan girls, that's what!" Raine said as she rode on Noishe, pulling his reigns. "Come on, let's go!"

Suddenly, they heard a loud shout coming from behind them, almost breaking their eardrums. They turned and saw Regal shouting at the sky, a wave of energy encircling him. His long blue hair was slowly turning into a golden hue and his fists were at his side. He then brought them together, a blue energy wave forming in his hands. "Ka…me…ha…me…" The syllables seemed to echo long and loudly as Regal moved his hands back and forth into a cup. After several more motions, his cupped hands arrived behind Regal to the side and a huge ball of bright blue light pulsing inside.

"HAAA!" Regal shouted out his fury as he thrust his hands toward the sky. His eyes were wide and blood-shot. The intensity of the sound pierced the sky barrier disguising Derris-Kharlan. Moments afterward, once the brilliant beam of blue-white light had disappeared into the sky, Regal calmed down. He looked at the others with a raised eyebrow. "What?" he asked, "I had to get that out somehow."

They all turned their attention back to the sky where the purple comet was shaking. Then Derris-Kharlan exploded. In that instant, Mithos and his underlings died. And Yuan too.

**Afterword:**

**Sagen**: I have nothing else to add.

**V**: Indeed. Bring on the reviews.


	3. The Power of Friendship

**Disclaimer**: Sagenvee does not own Tales of Symphonia. We also do not own any clichés or Tropes that might have been used herein, though it was entirely on purpose.

**This Chapter's Trope: **Guess. We'll tell you what it is at the beginning of the next chapter.

**Last Chapter's Trope:** Took a level in badass.

**First Chapter's Trope: **Luke, I am your father.

_**The Power of Friendship**_

The arrow glided through the air like greased lightning. It smashed through the red vest Lloyd wore, aimed with ravenous glee at the boy's heart. It found a heart, made of gold, and sunk into it happily. The blow knocked Lloyd to the ground, the murderous arrow embedded in his chest.

Lloyd sat up several seconds later. He looked down at the arrow shaft sticking from his jacket and moaned. With a swift jerk, Lloyd pulled the arrow out of him and held it up. The small golden heart that Kratos gave him sat helplessly impaled on the end of the arrow. Another moan escaped Lloyd's lips.

"Oh man… Kratos is going to kill me!" Lloyd pulled the arrow out of the locket and tried to open it, but found the latch frozen shut. "Crap. I'm going to kill whoever put that arrow trap there!" Lloyd picked up the arrow and found a note attached to the end. "Arrow trap courtesy of Kafei Industries Inc."

"YUAN!!"

Yuan Kafei turned around when he felt his pointy ears twitch. Then his nose began to twitch. "Weird. I had the strangest thought that someone's cursing my existence because my arrow trap tried to kill them but dented something more valuable instead, like a family heirloom. Ah well. Time to go back and sit on my hardworking butt while Lloyd's group faces an uncertain outcome against Yggdrasill." He sat back onto a nearby boulder underneath the Tower of Salvation reading a Tethe'alla Times Magazine (Limited Swimsuit Edition).

* * *

"Well, hopefully he won't notice," Lloyd said, hiding it in his back pocket, "or else I'm going to have a family crisis with a parental-duty-abandoning-but-actually-trying-to- get-back-in-touch-and-being-an-actual-parent-but-might-be-failing-miserably-because-he-hasn't-hugged-me-yet father…"

Lloyd sighed as he stood and approached the wide open door. Point in fact, the door literally was blown off of its hinges and was lying on the ground in two great slabs. The evidence of scorch marks and soot lead Lloyd to conclude the cause was some kind of explosion.

Yggdrasill turned and gasped when he spotted Lloyd trotting casually in. The overbearing overlord of disco was floating in front of a hologram that had a picture of Dirk on it, quickly changing it back to Martel. "Lloyd?! What are you doing here so soon? I didn't even have time to cackle like a school girl!" he said, smiling innocently, which turned very creepy, really fast.

"I'm just going to ignore that and go on about how I'm here to save Colette and yada yada yada…" Lloyd said, waving his hands in a nonchalant manner, yawning with utter boredom. Lloyd unsheathed his swords and tried to look as heroic as possible. "How you killed my friends and blah blah blah-"

"Blah blah blah, Tidal Wave!" some voice shouted as if listening in on them. Yggdrasill began spinning around in the wave that looked oddly more like a whirlpool than an actual wave, but no one actually cared about that.

"Genis!" Mithos shouted with glee as Genis and the others jumped off of a really high platform without any kind of reconciliation damage. "Why would you do that? I was going to ask-"

"You've been playing that game again, haven't you, Genis?" Lloyd said with a face palm to the forehead. "Or was this an online video thing going on?"

Genis laughed with a silly grin, which only turned very creepy, really fast. "Of course I've been playing it! Who hasn't?" he said, ignoring the cries of the poor souls who haven't. "See? It makes magic more fun! Blah blah blah, Meteor Storm!" he said, raising his Kendama into the air again. The entire underground area was destroyed by crashing meteors, save for the machine Colette was in. Ironically, said machine was the biggest thing in the room.

Yggdrasill whined loudly in despair. Somewhere, Noishe's ears perked up and sighed, going back to sleep. "Genis, why'd you destroy everything I worked for?! WHY?!" Mithos said, falling onto his knees and grasping his head.

Genis whacked Mithos with his Kendama's playful ball, causing Mithos to have a concussion and severe brain damage, which really didn't hurt him all that much. "Well, to be honest, Mithos, I stopped being your friend when I found out you stole my Katz suit." he said, when he walked over to Yggdrasill's wardrobe. He found the pink suit and squealed in content. "There it is! Now I can go hunting for Katz again!"

A loud piercing sound split the air as a mana card buried itself in Genis' back. Genis choked as streams of red flowed out of his mouth. His body slumped to the floor.

"Sheena!" gasped Genis. "Why…."

"To be honest," Sheena said, "I've always had a soft spot for the katz. The way their fluffy tails and ears twitch whenever they move. It's… so cute! Corrine was the same way. I can't stand watching you hunt for them anymore. It ends today!" Sheena pulled out another card. Before she could throw it to finish Genis off, as if he weren't bleeding to death as it was, a wooden staff exploded out of her chest.

Raine stepped from behind Sheena and snapped the wooden staff in half. "That's for trying to kill my brother!" Raine said as Sheena slumped to the floor, now also bleeding to death beside Genis and Mithos. "And to be honest, I'm not that surprised you turned on us. I never really trusted you to begin with. I'm just lucky I brought this handy dandy wooden stick with which to stake you to the ground, you blood sucking amoeba."

Raine was standing over Sheena as she lay dying when a shadowy figure snuck behind her and attacked. The force of the blow sent Raine across the room and slammed her into the mostly destroyed wall. She bounced off and began ricocheting between some of the meteors that got stuck in the floor. Finally, Raine's battered body ceased movement when her legs were caught on a jagged torn metal floor panel. Raine gasped weakly, blood spattered about her face and body and tried to look up at her attacker. It was difficult to move through the excruciating pain of having every bone in her body broken or fractured, but she managed to look up at Dirk.

"Why…" Raine managed to rasp past her broken jaw.

"Because you've been ignoring all of my passes at you, that's why!" Dirk said, pumping his fist into the air. "I thought you half-elves were easy to get into-!"

"Oh shut up, you maggot. I think I'll punish you today." Mithos said, having no injury of consequence on him whatsoever. He then swung his arm at Dirk, who mysteriously disappeared. "That'll teach him."

Lloyd raised an eyebrow. "Where'd you send him?" he said without concern. Not like Dirk was his real dad.

Mithos smiled happily, which only turned very creepy, really fast. "Somewhere he won't like."

* * *

"Damn you, you mother dwarf! I'll kick your backside to hell!" Altessa shouted as he punched Dirk in the beard, suddenly wobbling backwards, drunk.

"Oh shut up, ya pansy! If there's one thing I hate more than that ignorant, love-avoiding half-elf, it's another dwarf!" Dirk shouted back, obviously drunk on the liquor he raided from Altessa's fridge.

"You suck monkey butts!"

"Your momma gave birth to a cow!"

Various other slanders were said, but we won't get into that mess.

* * *

"Oh. Okay. Sounds like fun. Too bad you couldn't teach me that. I could have done that to him sooner." Lloyd said with a smile, shaking Mithos' hand before walking back to where he was standing. "Anyway, where were we?" Lloyd asked, rubbing his chin. "Ah yes, I remember now. Sheena, we don't care about your stupid, secret obsession to Katz, but you pull a stunt like that again and I'll smack your a-" he said, when Zelos rammed into him.

"Hey! That's my job, Lloyd!" Zelos said with a loud whine, grabbing Lloyd's hand and pulled him up. Lloyd merely glared at him. "Sorry, I thought you were going to smack it."

Lloyd shook his head. "Oh Zelos… Fine, you take over then. It's not like I was really with you guys anyway." he said, getting strange looks from Raine, who had managed to heal herself, Genis and Sheena, for who knows what reason. Even Mithos was confused. "Oh, don't even start with me. I've been spying on you guys for Dad for a while now."

Raine looked at him with that same confused look. "Dirk?"

Lloyd facepalmed. "No. What the hell are you smoking, Raine?"

Raine merely smiled. "Mana Leaf Herb, and no, you can't have any. NONE!" Raine grasped her right pocket like it was her very life force, and began rubbing it against her right cheek while cooing. After a few seconds she seemed to realize what she was doing and straightened up, coughing into her hand in a failed attempt to get her dignity back, and said, "Alright then, who's this 'Dad'?"

"That would be me." a voice said from the shadows, walking toward them. Lloyd merely smirked, walking over toward Kratos. "So, anything to report, Lloyd? Not that I doubt you would have any, since you recently told me things when we met in Flanior."

Lloyd shook his head. "No, other than what you probably already heard." Lloyd said, shifting his weight onto his other leg, completely ignoring the others' shocked stares. "But I have a feeling you're right with Zelos, though."

"What are you talking about?" Zelos said, sweating a bit. "Oh heck, Lloyd's betrayal was worse… I've been spying for Yuan." he said with a smile, which turned very creepy, really fast. The others merely stared at him with a slightly narrowed stare. "What?"

"Oh Zelos, we've all known that. The only reason why you got away with it was because Yuan was helping us." Genis said, shaking his head. "It was so obvious. But whatever." he said, turning to Presea. "Anyway Presea, you're still looking pretty…" he said with a blush. He turned to Mithos, who felt neglected and ignored. "What's your problem, Mithos?"

Mithos shook his head. "Oh, nothing, save that you barge into my special room trying to take back Colette, and now everyone's just ignoring me!" he said, pouting like a neglected fan who's been waiting for a game for ages to no avail.

"Who cares?" Colette shouted, folding her arms across her chest. "I've been trying to sleep and you guys won't shut up!"

"That is no one's concern." Presea said softly, walking toward Genis. "I'm sorry, Genis, but Rodyle was my lover…" Before Genis could let loose his pansy as hell girly scream and moaning, she casually tossed her axe at Zelos, missing his head by mere inches. However, the blade did rip (read, did not slice, but ripped the roots out of his skull) off a good chunk of hair.

Zelos screamed like a Sheena-banshee, flailing around with tears in his eyes. Zelos and Genis got into a kind of competition for making the most pitiful, ear splitting displays of rejection known to man (up to that point, Lloyd does something much worse when Kratos later backstabs him and scurries off to Derris Kharlan without him). Once that competition was complete, Zelos rasped (because his vocal cords were near ready to snap), "Preseaaaa! Why'd you do that for?!"

"To be honest, I was working for Rodyle until you all killed him. He left a command in my subconscious to betray all of you and stab you in the back as soon as you were all gathered in one place. And you were also the one most likely to make a dirty joke. Now that I have you wher-Augh!"

"Holy shit!" Colette shouted. She lowered her hand from in front of her as Presea slumped to the ground, the girl's eyes rolling backwards. "Would all of you shut the #&*! up! I'm #$%*ing trying to #$%*ing sleep! Screw this! To be honest, I hated all of you from the very beginning! I'M NOT YOUR CHOSEN! DIE!" Begins casting Super Duper Mega Awesome Ultra Heavy Nitro Nuke-it-all-to-hell Holy Judgment.

"Colette, how did you get out of that machine?" Lloyd asked. Clearly not impressed, he crossed his arms and imitated the bored expression Kratos wore.

Colette immediately stopped casting and smiled, "Oh, I punched through the tube with the angelic strength I forgot I had. It was so easy. I don't know why I never thought of it bef-Augh!"

Regal kicked Colette into and through a wall, sending her plummeting into the depths of the void that was not programmed into the world. She would forever remain and wander around in the no-clipping zone. Eventually, she'd find a doggie there, but he'd bite her and give her rabies. Regal turned from the Colette shaped hole in the wall and attacked the others.

"Why Regal?!" Raine shouted as she got a roundhouse kick to the face, which left a jarring crack in her skull. "I thought… you… loved… me?"

"The truth is," Regal said, "I really am the undead thief of the Gorrachia forest. The only thing I love is Gald! Your Gald! Now give it here!" Everyone proceeded to hand Regal all of the Gald in their pockets. When he got to Mithos, the ancient half-elf (with tears streaming down his face) deposited the entire fortune of Cruxis into Regal's hands in the form of a nice little Credit Card.

"Mithos, your credit score is shot now," Kratos said. Regal ignored Kratos and Lloyd as he moved about the room, looting the place. "You know that right?"

"Why do you think I'm crying," Mithos moaned.

"Hey, Regal, I know Colette had a huge chunk of Gald on her, why did you get rid of her?" Lloyd asked.

Regal paused as he was skipping merrily out the door. "Oh, she was a little thief. And you saw her face, she was going to kill us all. Thanks for the Gald, bye bye now!" With that Regal was gone.

Silence reigned for a while, during which time, Lloyd left for coffee, Sheena taught Genis how to field dress a wound by practicing on Presea and Raine. Kratos stood like the stone statue that was being carved in his image by the repaired Raine (it seriously looks just like him!). Mithos was continually crying as he tried to repair the machine with duct tape. Zelos was crying as well, as he looked forlornly into a mirror and tried covering up the bald spot with a comb over (but it only got worse as more and more hair fell out).

By the time Lloyd got back and was ready to continue, the Kratos statue was complete, the transfer tube machine was more duct tape than machine (and Mithos had somehow taped himself up as well), Zelos was bald, Raine was attempting to heal herself again, Presea was drooling, Genis had drool on his face, but didn't look worse for the wear, and Sheena was primping herself.

"Nice of you to return," Kratos remarked offhandedly. "I was beginning to wonder if I should go and drag you back here."

"I felt like this ridiculous chain of events needed to be resolved," Lloyd said. "Now, why did we come here again?" He looked around the room, but couldn't seem to remember.

"I thought we came to save Colette from Mithos and to keep her from being turned into Martel," Genis said.

"Oh yeah," Lloyd said. "That's right. But I guess Colette's gone now, so Mithos, later." Lloyd and Kratos turn and leave. Everyone else follows. This left Mithos alone in the Seed Chamber duct taped to the transfer tube. And the Kratos statue was there too.

"Hello?"

"Martel?" Mithos gasped. He tried to turn his head to look, but he had mad duct-taping skillz and his head was stuck fast. "Martel is that you?"

"Yes, it is I. Mithos, I truly am sorry, but you haven't gotten any smarter than you were when we were children."

"But, Martel!" Mithos cried. "I tried to bring you back! I created an Empire in your name! You're its Empress, its Goddess! Literally!"

"No Mithos, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the duct tape. Honestly, after four thousand years, you still manage to duct tape yourself to everything you try to repair. Is it really that hard to fix something without trying to make yourself part of it?"

"I'm sorry?"

Martel was silent for a moment. "To be honest," she said, "I've had it up to here with your and everyone elses stupidity. I'm leaving on Derris Kharlan. Cya later, retards." The glow of the Great Seed vanished off of the walls, which Mithos took as a sign that the Great Seed had disappeared (because Mithos couldn't actually see the Great Seed from where he was duct taped to the transfer tube).

Over the planet, Derris Kharlan began drifting away. Kratos teleported away from Aselia at the last second, leaving Lloyd hanging off a cliff created by the torrent of random gravity (which was itself created when Tethe'alla and Sylvarant pulling apart.) He watched from a window in Vinheim as the two planet halves were sucked into a black hole that randomly appeared between the two planets.

After a moment of silence and watching empty space, Kratos said, "Sucks to be them," and turned away. Out in space, the black hole turned in on itself, as if saying, "To be honest, this planet tastes like poop," and spit the planet (it was one planet again) back out. The people cheered before turning on each other and trying to kill each other. Lloyd, meanwhile, lopped off the head of the Kratos Statue.


End file.
